


Calm

by FoiblePNoteworthy



Series: Guilt (The Jet Adopts Zuko AU) [5]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: (weird right?), Gen, Li is happy now, Li's Trust Issues (tm), bonding and talking, but i know what some of yall are thinking, hes not here but still, i just like the idea of an ace dad of seven, i made zuko gay, i mean arguably he was always gay but, im keeping it platonic, its just emotions and shit, its not gay to hug your homie, ozai is awful, so many fucking hugs, whos ready for some fluff, why did i write an ace/aro jet, zuko/li's brain is not healthy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:08:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23685169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoiblePNoteworthy/pseuds/FoiblePNoteworthy
Summary: Li and Jet meditate and talk. Li opens up about a few things.
Relationships: Freedom Fighters & Zuko (Avatar), Jet & Zuko (Avatar), Smellerbee & Zuko
Series: Guilt (The Jet Adopts Zuko AU) [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1557868
Comments: 158
Kudos: 909
Collections: Finished111





	1. Chapter 1

“Jet.” _What?_ “Wake up.” _What?_

The hand shaking his shoulder was gentle, as was the owner’s voice. There was no urgency in either.

Not an emergency then. He didn’t _need_ to wake up. Jet swatted away the irritating hand and tried to turn himself over.

“Jet.” There was a note of laughter in the rude voice. The hand returned.

 _“Nooooo.”_ Jet opened heavy eyes to near-complete darkness. The ashes of their fire pit smouldered, orange flames struggling to stay alive. Through the inky silhouettes of trees, Jet saw the pinking sky of an oncoming sunrise.

Sunrise. Li’s meditation. Why did Jet agree to do this again?

 _Because it was a good opportunity to understand Li better and the action itself would be good for your mental health?_ Snarked a snarky voice in the back of his mind.

With reluctant determination, Jet forced his sleep-heavy muscles to lift him out of his sleeping bag.

Some part of him wanted to be annoyed at Li’s smug little grin, but couldn’t help but revel in the sight of him so openly happy. Things had been getting better, slowly, and he dared to think that Li’s little burning ceremony would help him get better faster from now on, but the sight of Li happy remained a rare and special one.

(Li being a cheeky little shit was an unexpected development, but not necessarily an unwelcome one.)

Li was unfairly bright-eyed in the early hour, leading Jet by the hand though the trees to a cliffside where they could see the valley below, misty with the hour, and the mountains across, sharp craggy silhouettes of dark brown. The sun, almost groggy itself, was just starting to peek over the peaks.[1]

(At times like this, Jet understood Longshot’s aversion to the spoken word.)

Birds on the trees above them were starting to awaken; some were already airborne ahead of them, looking for early catches in the still-drowsy world. The sound of their song and wings blended with the rustling of leaves in the wind, creating a gentle ambiance.

They settled on the grass just a few feet from the cliff’s edge, droplets of dew soaking into their clothes. The ground smelled like rain, but wasn’t uncomfortably damp.

“So.” Jet broke the silence, startling Li slightly. He realised that he was sat on Li’s bad side, where he was sure Li’s senses were limited - not that he’d ever risked asking, Li wouldn’t want him to know his weaknesses, not even so he could cover them. “How does this work, exactly?”

Li sat rigidly cross-legged, eyes on the mountains ahead of them. He was oddly calm, the quiet in his expression almost noble. “We close our eyes,” he said. “And we feel the sun.”

Jet frowned.

“We feel the sun?”

The calm was broken. Li turned to him, flushed and gesticulating, “He – the sun – it, ah.” He blinked, then tried again, more slowly, “We feel the – the _warmth_ of the sun on our skin, and focus on that and nothing else. Until the head is empty of thought.”

He reddened more the longer Jet looked at him.

“That’s it?” Jet asked, harsher than he’d meant to.

“I – yeah, I know it sounds-”

“It sounds fine,” Jet said, still too curt, before Li could say something insulting about himself. “Sounds good,” he corrected his morning-rough tone, “I just thought it was more complicated than that.”

“It’s harder than it sounds,” Li insisted, flush fading.

Jet softened his expression. “Then let’s get to it.”

***

It was a _lot_ harder than it sounded. More than once Jet found himself just opening his eyes and looking over at Li, who only breathed, slow and deep, in the steady rhythm Jet recognised from Li’s smaller panics, when his body prepared itself for a fight.

On second thought, perhaps the weird breathing was just his way of centring himself.

Either way, Li was as unaware of his surroundings as he would be when asleep, Jet was sure. As much as the act of meditating frustrated him, he couldn’t deny how pleased he was – how proud - that Li was willing to share something so vulnerable with him.

He _was_ getting a little bored. Especially as he’d given up an actually achieving the calm Li had slipped into so easily. But he couldn’t deny that the sun on his skin and the landscape before him was pleasant – though he wasn’t sure he wouldn’t have preferred to stay in bed.

Li eventually resurfaced, calm and soft and sleepy-blinking and Jet wanted to hug him like he would for any of his kids. He settled for scooching closer so their thighs touched. Li smiled at him and leaned closer - movements natural, as though he would do it any day of the week - for once unbothered by their close proximity. Maybe even comfortable with it, as bizarre as it was.

Li had been happier for all the previous day, his mood not dropping once as they trekked onwards. Jet was hesitant to trust that this strange mood was permanent, but he couldn’t keep himself from hoping it would become a more common occurrence.

He placed an arm around Li’s shoulders slowly, giving the boy time to shift away if he wanted to. He was terrified that he might startle away cuddly-happy-turtleduck-Li for another month, but desperate to encourage him to stick around.

Jet looked at Li, happy and comfortable and _trusting_ , and mentally weighed his options. As it was, Li was willing to talk to him. There were some things that Jet, as much as he _desperately_ wanted to, simply didn’t need to know – the identities of Li’s family, so he could kick their teeth in; his many exploits as the Blue Spirit, for the sheer excitement of being friends with _The_ Blue Spirit (and he still wasn’t over _that_ ) – but there were a few questions that couldn’t wait, not if they were half as bad for Li as Jet worried that they were.

If he asked, he risked losing this happy Li.

But if he didn’t, something far worse could take Li from him, further down the line.

With a heavy heart, he realised he had to ask, but promised himself he’d be as gentle as he could.

“The other night,” he started, delving deep into the Rules of Li to make sure he wouldn’t misstep, unwilling to trust in Li’s comfort and good mood, “When you… when everything happened, you said something that worried me. Would you mind if I asked you about it? You won’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

Li stiffened slightly next to him, but forced the tension to leave his shoulders. At such close proximity, it was easy to recognise his meditation _(/fighting)_ breaths.

“Okay,” he said eventually, quieter than normal, but not too tense.

“You said you burned your old name.” And the stiffness came back. “I don’t want to know what it was – or, well,” he amended, “I _do_ , but that’s not what I’m asking and I’m never going to ask for that. That’s your business, and I’ll always respect that.”

Li wilted again, like an owl-cat that had been scratched just right lowering its hackles.

“I want to know what that means, to you. You-” he felt an urge to explain, “You burned a part of yourself, a part of your past, and I’m just worried about what that could mean. How much of yourself did you abandon for us?”

Li leaned in closer to him, eyes fixed on the horizon again. He didn’t seem distressed. Jet suspected that simply being in his meditation area, being in a place he had already decided was for safety and calm, was helping him manage his emotions.

“I was unhappy, before,” Li said. “I’d been given a mission I was never supposed to complete, and everything I wanted in life hinged on my ability to complete it. It made me angry, but I couldn’t tell why. I thought I would manage it eventually, because I had to, and because… because my father had ordered me to.” He sniffed, but didn’t stop. “I wanted to please him, to be what he wanted me to be, but that wasn’t me.

“When I burned my name, I was burning my anger, my mission, my allegiances. The things I did in my father’s name. All the things I used to be that made me unhappy.”

Jet tightened the arm around Li’s shoulders. Relief washed over him, the huge wave of it making him lightheaded for a moment. (Li had done something healthy – the thought was so alien and so comforting that is made him almost uncomfortable.)

“I’m glad. With everything you’d said that night, I was worried it was something else. I wasn’t sure what I thought, but…” he swallowed. There was something lodged in his throat. “I’m glad,” he repeated.

“That second night,” Li said, “After you broke me out. I told you I wasn’t sure which side I should be on, whether or not I should make amends with my enemies or keep working for my first group. I - I’m finished with my family now; I’m not following their orders anymore. They can’t control me.”

His determined tone softened. “I can fix all my mistakes, and start anew.”

Jet smiled. “It’s good that you figured everything out. I know how hard it is - how scary it feels - not knowing what the right thing to do is. Having to second-guess everything you do and everything you think. But, as much as it sucks having something like this hanging over your head,” he looked at Li, eyebrow raised to soften his words, “You need to remember to look after yourself as well as your old enemies.”

“Why?” Li smirked, unrepentant. “I’ve got you for that.”

Jet rubbed his knuckles on Li’s head, tightening his grip on Li’s shoulders. Li laughed, delighting in the roughhousing, just as Jet had hoped. (It was stupid to risk Li’s current happiness for more happiness, he knew, but hearing his kids laugh, watching them move past their fears, brought him a joy nothing else could match.)

Li smiled at him; cheeks flushed. He looked his age for once.

“I suppose it’ll all be fine, then,” Jet said, mock stern, “As long as you let us look after you.”

Li curled closer under his arm. “I know you’ll do a good job.”

[1] (Jet’s interest in meditation was piqued.) ~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos comment subscribe there'll be more
> 
> (*hugs my regulars* how are y'all doing, darlings?)
> 
> im loving this weekly update thing. i know this is heckin' small but it's what works for this part so  
> (if you're bored or running out consider looking at my other stuff, where i have some real jetko and a really dumb comedy)
> 
> Tumblr, where i have a doodle of this https://www.tumblr.com/blog/foiblepnoteworthy


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: the entirety of this part was gonna be like 2K max, and then i actually wrote it and damn that wasn't in the plan but i needed to say it somewhere right?

When they made camp that evening, Li asked, out of the blue, “Do you guys want to hear about an asshole with terrible sideburns?”

Jet blinked at the non-sequitur, but nodded. Thus begun The Adventures of Ponytail-Boy and Admiral Sideburns.

***

Three sentences in, Jet concluded that Li was an appalling storyteller. He couldn’t find it in himself to care.

***

“And the…” Smellerbee frowned at the marks gouged in the soft mud, “Prince… the Prince’s honour was restored.”

Li smiled at her and the words in the mud while she hugged him around the waist. Her reading was coming along incredibly quickly. He’d have to get some scrolls or something for her to practise with at the next town.

Jet frowned at the letters in the ground. “Why does every sentence contain the word _honour_? I think _I’d_ be able to spell that word by now.”

Li stared at him for a long moment.

“Inside joke.”

***

“Li, Admiral Sideburns is starting to freak me out a little.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Li poked absently at the fire. He’d been telling them these stories every night for over a week now, and was far less disturbed by them than he really should have been. “Uncle refused to leave my side whenever he was nearby, after the first time he tried to lure me on his ship with tea.”

“Still…”

“Oh, and he’s dead now as well.”

_“You didn’t think to lead with that?!”_

***

Li sat down on a log and planned out his next sentence. He probably shouldn’t use the word _honour_ , there were plenty of more useful words that Smellerbee needed to know better, but he kinda wanted to keep using it just to bother Jet.

Unconsciously, [he held Smellerbee in his lap while he planned](https://foiblepnoteworthy.tumblr.com/post/616201464505909248/calm-chapter-2-foiblepnoteworthy-avatar-the), one hand around her waist, chin resting on her bushy hair.

(Half-faded memories of actually _being_ an older brother to ~~Az-~~ _You burned her, remember?)_

He shifted in his seat, tightening his hold on Smellerbee.

Memories of being _someone’s_ big brother sprang to the forefront of his thoughts. It was weird and dumb that he missed something he’d never really had. She’d outstripped him the first time she sparked; she’d never _needed_ him.

He looked around their little camp - thin sleeping bags and dirt-smeared clothes; food caught fresh in the forest only to be burned on their campfire. The Caldera had feather beds and silk robes and the finest chefs in the Fire Nation.

He’d never known the warmth of a person sitting shoulder to shoulder with while they ate; of someone waking him during his nightmares and waiting for the sunrise with him; of a sparring match where he _knew_ the other would stop if he asked.

(Except below the decks of a rusty tin can, but the ginseng dragon was long gone.) He had what he had, and couldn’t wish for anything different.

He’d become used to having people around him caring about him. That was a strange thought, that he could trust that the people around him wanted him to be happy. His free hand joined the other around Smellerbee’s waist.

(He _had_ burned her to make space, hadn’t he?)

(Well, no, but close enough. The space was there; he might as well fill it.)

“I think I used to do this kind of stuff with my little sister,” Li said without being asked. “I’m not too sure because we would have been very young, but I know that my cousin used to do that stuff with me and I always wanted to be like him.”

Jet grinned at him from across camp. “You have a little sister?”

“ _Had,”_ Li corrected himself as much as he corrected Jet. “She’s not my sister anymore, so…” (Jet flinched, minutely and inexplicably.)

“We didn’t exactly get along anyway,” Li ignored Jet’s reaction. “She took after our father – she was his favourite. In hindsight, that probably wasn’t much better than being the disposable heir.”

Jet had that strange look he always got when Li talked about his family.

(He probably didn’t like that Li used to have other loyalties, despite his assurances that he belonged to Jet now. It probably wouldn’t be beyond him to lie about not caring about Li’s old loyalties to make Li feel better – he often seemed to hide the truth when he thought it was in Li’s best interest.

It was a little worrying, that Jet didn’t trust that they were gone from his heart. He didn’t want Jet to think he was still loyal to his (ex-)father, especially if he found out exactly who he was.

Li had burned them right in front of him, and reassured him that they were dead to him every time they came up in conversation – he wasn’t sure what else he could do to convince him. 

He didn’t dare bring it up, in case he sounded too defensive.)

“What was she like?” Smellerbee asked him from his knee.

“Scary,” he replied easily. “Powerful – she was bending from her crib. The first time she managed to bend properly she killed my sparrowkeet – I think it was an accident that time, but father was pleased with her so…” He let his chin rest fully on top of Smellerbee’s head. “I can’t blame her for it; I can’t imagine how I would have turned out if he’d paid closer attention to me. Getting kicked out was probably the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“No offence,” Jet said, tone carefully casual, “But your dad is kinda the worst.”

“You have no idea. And he’s not my dad anymore, remember.”

Jet actually looked pleased – only a little, but it was genuine. Maybe he’d actually got through to him with that one.

 _(I’m loyal to_ you _now, I promise.)_

“Sorry,” Jet smiled, “Your not-dad is the worst.”

“That’s more like it.”

“But your sister…”

Li frowned. Jet trusted he was done with his not-father, but not his sister? “She doesn’t matter anymore,” he promised him.

“She doesn’t sound too bad… or like her actions are her fault, I guess.”

Li suspected they were having a different conversation. Li was trying to convince him he didn’t care about her, and Jet was saying… something else.

“…I suppose not.”

Jet leaned forward. “What’s she really like? Aside from scary.”

Li pushed past the bone-chilling terror that accompanied thoughts of her, to the little cherub the monster had grown from. “She’s a liar,” he said. “And a manipulator. Better than anyone I’ve ever met. Better than you, even,” he added, hoping Jet would see it as a reference to her skill, and not as an insult to his own.

(Jet gave that little flinch again – too small for anyone not used to skilled actors and expert liars to see.)

“She’s lucky and confident and infallible,” Li continued, forcing himself past the accidental insult. “If she decides she’s gonna do something, there’s not much that can stop her. She’s… she’s not much of a person outside of trying to be scary, I think.” He tried to think of an instant of her own personality, of a scrap of herself that wasn’t forged by ~~their~~ _her_ father, but came up empty. “She doesn’t do theatre or sneaking or music. Just fighting and lying. Her father wants her to do that, and she hasn’t tried to be anything else.”

Jet listened with an uneasy expression, but didn’t say anything in response. He looked a little pale.

“I saw her a few months ago – for the first time in three years,” Li continued, just to break the stifling silence. “She tried to kill me – or capture me, maybe, but she wouldn’t have minded either way, I don’t think. She must have an actual mission just now, or she wouldn’t have left me to the bounty hunters for this long.”

Smellerbee piped up from his grip. “Would those Rhino guys have given you to her? Or do you think they were working for someone else?”

_(He swallowed down the memories of the dark cell; of being helpless and trapped for hours in pain, with nothing to think of but Azula’s looming approach.)_

“Nah, it was her,” he said like it didn’t matter. He almost sounded convincing, too. But he knew she could feel how he’d tensed.

She took a careful hold of his wrists, rubbing over the mostly healed scars from his stint in prison. He wouldn’t have had them if he hadn’t tried to escape on his own. If he’d known he had people watching his back.

He relaxed as much as he could and took her hands in his gently, knitting their fingers together.

“I know now that you’d come,” he said, quiet; just for her, “If it happened again. You wouldn’t let her get me.”

She squeezed his hand.

“How do I write _sister_?” she asked.

He shifted his grip on her, grabbed a stick to write with, and taught her about siblings.

***

“What if I just quit the war and did theatre?”

“I thought that was the plan?”

Li blinked, surprised as he always was that Jet cared more about his happiness than his uses as a soldier. “It is _now_ , I guess,” he said. He laid back in the long grass of that day’s meditation spot. “…After I find my enemies and tell them how to kill my not-dad.”

“Just let me do it. I am actually begging you.” Jet was grinning too widely to be taken seriously, even though Li knew he absolutely meant it. Li realised that was the first time he’d mentioned killing Ozai.

“They’re all benders,” he said, instead of elaborating on exactly _why_ Ozai needed to die.

He knew Jet’s reasons to want him dead were different to his own – well, he wanted Ozai dead for the same reasons, but Li’s not-father? It was strange to think of killing him just for his scar (and Jet didn’t even know about that? He must be overreacting – or lying for Li’s emotions again.).

Regardless, he was still somewhat reluctant to get back into the fight - it would be safer and easier to hide than to take the fight to Ozai.

~~(He started to hope he _wouldn’t_ find the Avatar; then he could just quit the war.)~~

“They might _not_ die fighting him,” he explained instead.

Jet sat straighter, incredulous. He didn’t seem to have noticed Li’s conflict. “And you were fighting them _alone_?”

“Basically.” He plucked stems of grass, shredded them into neat little sections. “My crew was shit and Uncle didn’t actually want me to succeed in my mission.”

It should have stung, that Uncle was actively trying to stop him from capturing the Avatar, but he’d realised the minute he burned his father that going back home would be a death sentence for him. He could never be happy serving him, despite how he’d wanted to for so many years, and he’d definitely never be able to keep his mouth shut. He’d be lucky to escape with his other eye intact – be lucky to escape _alive_ – and he’d never been particularly lucky.

“So you took on a bunch of benders alone?” Jet asked again, his naturally ridiculous eyebrows arched higher than usual. “You just chased them across the Earth Kingdom to get smacked around every other week.”

That… was more accurate than Li would ever admit.

“I almost won sometimes,” Li said, indignant. “I kinda want to fight him one last time just to see how I’d do.”

“…Li, _no_.”

***

“If I ever meet your not-dad,” Jet said, casual and conversational, as they trekked up a mountain, “I’m gonna kick him in the nuts.”

“Please don’t; he will literally kill you.”

“Might be worth it.”

***

“ _Fuck.”_

The vicious curse was reverent as a prayer. Li broke his meditation posture, flopping back on the grass with a grin.

Jet looked over, trying to pretend he’d at least been _trying_ to meditate. So far, he hadn’t been able to do anything more than enjoy the calm.

“What?” he asked. Over the last week, Li had been just as irritating as on the first day, dragging Jet out of bed for an hour or so of sunrise and peace. He couldn’t complain, not when the activity managed to soothe him, not when Li would _talk to him_ at the end of each session, opening more and more as the days went by. This was the first time Li had actually interrupted meditation, however.

Li smiled, soft and calm and peaceful. “My not-dad can eat shit,” he said, his gentle tone at odds with the harsh words.

“I thought this was old news,” Jet smirked. It was almost mad how much Li cursed his not-dad, now that he’d broken the seal. Mad how much he talked at all, if Jet was honest, now that he trusted them. “Is there something he’s done that I don’t know about?”

“Oh, plenty,” Li said. “But I realised I don’t have to do things he wants me to do. Aside from the obvious, I mean. So many things are open to me now.” He stretched his arms to the sky, then dropped them to splay on the ground.

Jet laid back next to him, their shoulders brushing. “Any details you can spare?”

(Even after all this time, even in Li’s happy place, Jet knew better than to ask direct questions when asking to ask a question was a possibility.)

“I have come to the decision,” Li said, “That I am very gay.”

***

Jet blinked, but he didn’t seem angry at him so things were already going well. “I didn’t know that was something you could choose?” Jet asked.

“I don’t need an heir.” Li grinned, turning over onto his stomach, bracing himself on his folded arms. “Not anymore. I tried to pretend to myself that I liked girls, because I had to marry one,” which remained kinda _ew_ to think about but mostly just sad. He didn’t want to marry someone he didn’t love, even for the good of the Fire Nation. (Plus, it would be a shame for whatever girl he ended up with, he supposed.)

“I just don’t see the appeal?” he continued. “Like they’re nice and all and I liked making jokes about being _dual wielding_ ,” Jet snorted at his waggling eyebrow, “but… it doesn’t compare.”

(Broad shoulders and deep voices and hard muscle. Someone protective and tall and strong.

 _Someday_.)

“I get what you mean,” Jet said, words slowed by thought. “I don’t care either way. Romance and stuff is useful for manipulating people,” Li bit his tongue to keep himself from asking; Jet’s expression was enough to ward him away, “But beyond that? I don’t really get it.”

“You don’t…” Li sat up, brow furrowed, crossing his legs under him. Jet didn’t fancy people _at all?_

Well, if a person could fancy both, then why _not_ fancy neither? “So you don’t wanna marry _anyone?_ ” he asked. Just to clarify.

“Nah, I got my kids,” Jet said. “Don’t need a woman or anything.”

Li heard that wrong. He snickered, “Maybe don’t phrase it like that.”

“Li!” Jet smacked him on the arm, gentle in that way he always was with him. Like he might break if he hit him too hard. Or like he might fly into a panic.

Li hated that he wasn’t wrong.

(He wasn’t _delicate_ , he was just… well, he _wasn’t_ delicate.)

He glanced at Jet, who kept watching Li with that scandalised expression, his slick composure broken by genuine surprise.

***

Jet staunchly refused to laugh with him at his awful horrible _mean_ joke (even though he really wanted to). He shushed Li, who just flopped back down on the ground, snickers turning to giggles. A shove on the shoulder just made him roll over to his back again, laughter coming like it was being shoved out of his lungs.

He wouldn’t stop.

It took Jet a moment to recognise that he was actively trying to get Li to stop laughing. It had become too common for him to fear its end.

He still didn’t laugh, but couldn’t hold back a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos comment subscribe if you haven't already there's another chapter still to come
> 
> (*showers my regulars with affection* <3 <3)  
> (I promise I'm trying harder to reply to comments)
> 
> I'm just quietly side-eyeing the nonevil twin series, where Jet is just the gayest thirstiest idiot ever, as if his sexuality is the only thing I've written inconsistently between these two Jets. (Spoiler: it isn't.)
> 
> So. Azula. She'll be here in (*checks schedule*) July, I'm sorry, but isn't it nice to build up to that complex sibling relationship? I'm gonna give her so much fucking nuance. I hope. (Part 9 is gonna be a fucking disaster I can smell it)
> 
> me @ me: write part 8 you need to stay ahead of schedule because you work better like that  
> me @ me: or at least write more nonevil twin you should probably do more  
> me, instead: *starts another shortish story and ignores both series*
> 
> Tumblr, where i have an actual drawing of this chapter (and others) that took forever and i don't know how i forgot about it: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/foiblepnoteworthy


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one was actually beta-ed because emotions were there and i was like um so thanks to H_Faith_Marr for looking it over and ting
> 
> so you know how this was meant to be fluffy and i didn't think i would have much to say and just thought the characters needed a little break? (idk if i actually said that but that was the plan before i started on this)  
> Okay yeah so this one is not that.

“I spent so much time learning so much useless stuff,” Li complained, one meditation morning. They were in a forest clearing that day, not too far from camp.

“It’s such a shame you had an education,” Jet sympathised, rubbing his shoulder. He couldn't remember exactly when Li had admitted he was noble; maybe he never had and they'd all just let the assumption settle in. “The best tutors around teaching you to read and write and… what _did_ you even learn about?”

“Taxes.” Li put his head in his hands, leaning out of his touch. “There was so much maths. I hate maths. I'm gay; I can’t do maths-”

“You _know_ that’s not how that works.”

“-Everything was maths and geography and fighting. So much fighting. If I hadn’t perfected my daily katas I didn’t get dinner.”

“Again, _please_ let me kill your not-dad.” Jet managed to keep his tone calm, almost cheerful; and swallowed down the anger with practised ease. “Any nobleman’s fighting tricks I should know about?” he asked instead.

Li frowned. “Y’know what? I know a _lot_ about firebending. My father insisted that I know about it, for, uh, for the war. I know the tricks, the theory, the odd kata..." he waved an illustrative hand. "You wanna know how to fuck a firebender up?”

_What the fuck, Li._

So Li was about as knowledgeable in firebending as was possible for an Earth guy. Jet wasn't about to pretend that a good understanding of the mechanics of firebending couldn't be extremely useful in a fight (though part of him chafed at finding value in Li's father's teachings).

He raised an eyebrow, half smiling. “You didn’t think you should tell me this earlier?” he joked.

And suddenly things were heavy again. Like a cloud had gone over the sun, but the sun was Li. And the cloud was years upon years of unrecognised abuse.

“It seemed… safest to keep it to myself.” Li stared at his lap. “You know - something valuable to offer if things went bad.”

It was his _insurance_. Just in case Jet tried to hurt him.

No, Jet was pretty sure Li would _let him do that_ at this stage.

(He’d think it was his fault. He wouldn’t fight back.)

This was his insurance in case Jet tried to kill him.

***

“My family are really shitty,” Li confessed, by way of an explanation. “And not just in the ways that you know. They actively do terrible things to people. It’s the family business, you know?”

He glanced over at Jet, who listened intently, but offered no reply. His expression only showed slight surprise – and no small amount of empathy. It was almost irritating, that he freely offered something Li didn’t deserve in the slightest.

“I – when I first joined you, I was worried that… I wasn’t sure what you’d do if you knew the things that my family does.” Li swallowed. “The things that I’ve done, for them.”

“I remember,” Jet said and Li flinched because _what did he remember? What did Li miss?_ “You were so sure I wouldn’t want you, those first few days. Like you were lying, just by existing. I could never understand that.

“I was just worried about you,” he sat himself closer to Li, placed an arm across his shoulders, “Worried about what was going on in your head. How _anyone_ could think about themselves like that.”

“I’ve done some terrible things, Jet.” Li didn’t shake off the comforting touch, even though he should have. “You would have been justified in hurting me for them. I mean – I only _just_ decided to switch sides.

“You’re _why_ I switched sides in the first place – I was happier with you, of course, but that was never actually important.”

Jet’s hold on him tightened for a moment, some tense expression crossing his face too quickly to read properly. It was weird - he never did anything like that when Li said something that mattered; hadn’t even reacted when Li basically told him his family were war tyrants, even though that was justification for at least a few bruises.

(Except Jet didn’t do that. He never did that. He probably wouldn’t hurt him ever (Li liked to think he _definitely_ wouldn’t, and regretted that he couldn’t risk trusting that) not unless he found out the truth.)

“I had to switch sides, for, y’know, safety,” Li said. “But… I don’t – I don’t _regret_ it or anything. I’m not one of _them_ anymore - and it’s not safe for me to be one, obviously, because you _hate_ them - but I don’t think I _want_ to be one of them anymore. So, I thought that – I don’t know - but I think I must be safe here now. I can tell you how to fight firebenders and stuff; I don’t need to keep it to myself. It’s not really fair of me to keep holding on to my insurance when anything you’d do to me would be justified – I know you wouldn’t do anything that wasn’t. 

“You’re not likely to hurt me anyway,” he said, forcing the words into the air and into his mind, just barely managing a small smile, “Because the parts of me you hate are all gone.”

It wasn’t quite that easy - _By Agni_ , he knew that – but he couldn’t change his blood, no matter how much he wanted to. He was a Prince and a firebender, and he would be for the rest of his life, but he wasn’t an enemy anymore.

He had no way of knowing if it would be enough if Jet ever found out – it probably wasn’t, but if Jet would at least believe he _wanted_ to change, maybe things could all be okay. He’d take his beating (and even then, only if Jet thought he deserved it, and he knew Jet would be fair about it), and, if they would let him stay, they’d keep on going as normal.

“Mostly gone,” he corrected, hopefully too quiet for Jet to hear.

***

Jet folded Li in his arms, tamping down on the familiar hatred for everyone Li had ever met. Li was still recovering, Jet knew that – he was recovering from years of fear and pain and incorrect teachings, but he couldn’t help worrying that he didn’t have much growth left. That he would just stop one day – that he could never be completely okay.

He’d seen it often enough with his kids, some who’d just seen something too horrible, whose nightmares became less common but never stopped, who flinched at the gentlest touches, even after years. Trauma lingered - Jet knew that, he was living proof of it, but this sickness Li was dealing with was a whole different issue to the horrors of war.

Li was dealing with the aftermath of misplaced trust; stuck with the urge to keep secrets and hide his emotions. He was trying to understand that he was a _person_ and he had _worth_ and he shouldn’t stick by people who treated him badly just because they had flimsy justifications. That hurting him would never be okay.

Jet would never hurt Li, not in a million years, but if he’d been the type to do it… Li would have let him. And if Jet chose to start now...

It sickened him; knowing how little Li valued himself.

It was terrifying to think that Li would be stuck like this, almost trusting him, but never able to be truly honest, never able to feel completely safe around Jet. Always vulnerable and closed at the same time.

There would be no point in telling him that he didn’t hate any parts of him – that he could never hate one of his kids. Li was keeping a tight hold on his secrets to protect himself from Jet, and Jet could never prove that he was willing to love all of him without _knowing_ all of him.

Maybe one day Li would let that happen.

He doubted it.

“You may have done some bad things,” he tried anyway, “But you did them under the orders of terrible people. They’re your family-”

“They _were_ my family.” Li tensed in his arms.

“They _were_ your family.” (Some ugly corner of his mind, filled with amber visions and his mother’s voice, was angry at Li for rejecting something he missed so much, even as he was proud of Li for letting them go.) “It’s not your fault. It only makes sense that you’d trust them to lead you down the right path. You wouldn’t question them like you would anyone else.”

“I should have.”

“You were a kid. I mean-” Jet pulled back a little, and looked both of them up and down, gesturing between them, “You’re _still_ a kid. The people who were meant to help you were shitty people, and that’s not your fault. It’s incredible you’ve come out as well as you have. You’re going to mend all your mistakes; I know you will.”

Li bit his lip and shrugged.

“Not to mention,” _and how the fuck did he forget?_ “All your exploits as the Blue Spirit. The good you did with the skills they gave you.”

“No.” Li’s eyes went impossibly wide. “They weren’t – the things I did then don’t make me a _good person_ ,” Li spat the words like poison. “I was being selfish.”

“You risked a slow and painful death to save the world’s last hope for peace, and you want to call that selfish?”

Li nodded as though that made sense.

Jet was out of words. Words and smiles and manipulation – they were his skill, his craft, as much as his swords were. But they always faltered before Li’s stubborn belief in everything terrible.

He held him tight to his chest. There was nothing else he could do to convince Li.

“One day,” he promised, to himself more than to Li, resting his chin on Li’s fuzzy head, “One day you’ll see that you’re not half as bad as you think. One day you’ll laugh at yourself for ever thinking I’d ever do anything to hurt you, that I’d ever hate you.

“I know you don’t right now, but, one day, you’re gonna trust me.”

“I trust you,” he whispered, holding him just as tight. “If you ever did anything to me, I know it would actually be justified. You wouldn’t hurt me without reason. I _do_ trust you, Jet.”

Jet curled tighter around him. That wasn’t _trust_. But Li couldn’t see it like that.

“If you trust me,” he tried, “Then trust me when I say I’m not going to hurt you.”

Li froze for a second. Then: “I trust your _intentions_ ,” he corrected himself.

“Please, Li.”

Li pulled back a little bit. They sat so their knees touched, hands resting close to each other’s on their laps. He looked concerned, but for Jet’s sake, not his own. His eyes were soft and calm, as though he wasn’t ripping Jet’s heart and hope out of his chest.

 _“It’s okay.”_ One hand was fisted in Jet’s robes, the other gentle on his shoulder. “It’s enough. I don’t think I’ve ever had this much from someone who wasn’t family.”

_(Considering what he knew about Li’s family…)_

Jet shook off the thought. The familiar anger didn’t matter right then. “Li, I _need_ you to understand; I’m not going to-”

“Okay,” Li shushed him. He was calm and soothing in a way Jet recognised – this was how _he_ acted when Li was in one of his panics. “Here’s a compromise” ( _that’s not how it works, Li_ ) “I trust that you believe that. I know you would never right now. I know you could do it ‘only if’, and I know all the ‘only if’s so it doesn’t matter. I can keep the ‘if’s a secret.”

“Li-”

“So as long as I can trust myself to keep my secrets, I can trust that you won’t hurt me. Okay?”

“I don’t want you to live a lie, Li,” Jet said. “I don’t want you to be afraid of me. Nothing you could ever do would make me want to hurt you.”

Li smiled at that. It was heart-stoppingly genuine. “And I know that you believe that and that’s why I trust you. Sometimes I think that things could be okay if I told you – I could get away with some of the truth, I think,” Jet’s heart leapt into his throat, “but I’m not willing to take that risk. Not unless I have to.”

Jet tried to imagine an older version of Li, without the scar, maybe with an ugly beard or something. He punched the image in the face repeatedly for being the world’s worst father.

This… this was all he was going to get, for now. It had only been a few months; Li had come really far. He could go a lot further. Maybe he’d try telling Jet one of his secrets as a test, to see how he’d react. If Jet had a chance to prove his secrets didn’t matter…

But that was a dream for another day.

Li had been very emotionally open that day, and had told Jet a lot. Even though it wasn’t one of his big secrets, he’d told him about his father and the things he’d done in his service – that took guts. As much as he hated seeing how far Li still had to go, he still had to reward the fact that Li had given him as much trust as he was actually capable of giving.

It was time for some positive reinforcement.

“Thank you for being honest with me today.” He took one of Li’s hands in his, rubbing his thumb across the back of it. “I understand that telling me the things that you have was difficult, and I’m glad you did. Just…” _Was he asking too much?_ He hated the thought, mostly for being its necessity, “Could you try to stop assuming that the world’s out to get you?”

Li raised his sole eyebrow. “The world _is_ out to get me. I’m wanted by the Earth Kingdom _and_ the Fire Nation, and my family wants me dead.” He said it like it was a joke; like it was the natural way of things. It probably felt that way, to Li. “The day we met,” he said, “If you’d known my whole story, you would have killed me. You would have given anything to see me dead.”

“Li-”

“I don’t think you would _now_ , if you knew the truth, but you might do _something_. Even just out of anger. Betrayal. You know?” He didn’t pull his hand away. He felt as close to safe as he could ever get, with a boy who might beat him if he knew him. “But I’ve accepted that.”

“If I was to do something out of anger,” Jet said, swallowing disgust at the thought. “I would regret it after. I’d make it right. I’d never kick you out-”

“You would if you thought I was dangerous.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“Jet. Don’t be like this.” Li was a passionate person, always ready to defend anything he thought was important (most notably theatre and turtleducks). Now, however, his tone was quiet, exhausted, as he pushed away Jet’s protests.

“I’ll… I can try to trust you more in the future, okay?” Li offered; tone soft, like it was Jet who needed a gentle touch and regular affection. “I’ll try to tell you something at some point. If I think I can. I can’t yet-”

“Li, you _can_.”

“I _can’t_. Call me a coward if you like-” _Never_ , _if there’s one thing you_ _aren’t_ … “-but I can’t. Not yet. Just… leave it for now, okay? Please?”

Jet knew he wasn’t going to get any further. He’d made progress, and could have laid some groundwork for more; it was going to have to be enough.

“Okay.”

Li stood, finally taking his hand back. “The others will be up by now,” he said. “We should head back to camp.”

He offered Jet his hand and pulled him up. “I’ll keep trying, alright? I’ve only had two people in my life know everything and still… _care_ about me, and they were the same as me anyway, so. I’ve had friends that I could have told before, but… I couldn’t risk it. Even for friends that were the same as me.

“I just… don’t want to be alone, Jet.”

He hadn’t let go of Jet’s hand.

“You’re not,” Jet assured him, “And you won’t be.”

Li didn’t outright reject his words, but the twist of his mouth said he didn’t believe him.

Jet swallowed his assurances, and followed him back to camp.

Li never let go of his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos comment subscribe to the main series i finished this bit woohoo  
> (*blowing kisses from an appropriate distance to all my regulars, who i love more than life at this point*)
> 
> here concludes arc 2, wherein Zuko decides he wants to be a freedom fighter and has some understanding of how friendship works. He's trying you guys. good news is that now that I've made these emotional bonds, i can test them. and i will. check the overview in the series notes if you desire fear  
> (does anyone actually read the overview? y'all have no idea how meticulous i am with that bitch. let me know if i don't need to care as much)
> 
> HELLO BINGERS WHO HAVE READ THIS IN A DAY. Yes you, hello. This is the end of the second arc. This is the point where you should take a break and come back in 24 hours, minimum. Esp if you're the sort who regrets reading this sort of thing too quickly. (I mean I won't be offended if you binge the whole thing and I know you might prefer to consume media differently to me, but I know I always regret binging and no one tells me not to soo...)
> 
> if this part made you sad (or if you're taking a break before starting the next arc), i have a series wherein Zuko convinces the gaang he's his own twin brother. i promise it is very stupid. in also have a gaang platonic soulmate au which a lot of people seem to like so
> 
> Tumblr, in case you want to yell at me or whatever: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/foiblepnoteworthy

**Author's Note:**

> kudos comment subscribe there'll be more
> 
> (*hugs my regulars* how are y'all doing, darlings?)
> 
> im loving this weekly update thing. i know this is heckin' small but it's what works for this part so  
> (if you're bored or running out consider looking at my other stuff, where i have some real jetko and a really dumb comedy)
> 
> Tumblr, where i have a doodle of this https://www.tumblr.com/blog/foiblepnoteworthy


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